What you do now will effect them later

Words are so powerful – “Spoilt children”

Do you ever think about the words that you say and the power of those words?  I have always wondered about the phrase “spoilt child” and how people use this phrase in general conversation to describe their own child, or sometimes to describe someone’s else’s child.

I find that the use of the word “spoilt” very interesting when combined with the word “child”.  Even worse is the expression “spoilt rotten“.  If we are talking about food that is “spoilt” it generally means that the food is no longer edible or useful.  So why use the same word to describe children? Are these children no longer good?  No longer useful as children, no longer able lovable?  Sometimes you might say it almost in jest, meaning it to be playful and lighthearted – but sometimes the finer points of the meaning are not easily understood by young children.  Here are a couple of dictionary meanings of the word “spoilt”

“spoilt past participle, past tense of spoil (Verb)

When people so often say that a child is spoilt they generally mean that the child has been over indulged, they think that the child may have too many opportunities,or that they may have too many toys or the child just gets too much attention.  Personally, I don’t think that children can ever be “spoilt” by too much love and attention if they have clear boundaries and the love from caring parents.

We often use terms and phrases in our general conversation that have deeper meanings without even thinking about what we are really saying.  I have always loved words and the sound of some words so I have always listened and observed how people speak and use words.  Another saying that I find interesting is when you ask someone (in Australia) how they are and they reply “not too bad”.  Interesting, I usually then reply “then, does that mean that you think that you are bad – but today, you are just not too bad?”.  What they really mean is that they are not feeling the best today, but the use of the word “bad” is one that can seep into your subconscious.

Here is another reference to someone who we think is “spoilt”  with Holly Valance herself is using the “accepted” use of the word “spoilt” to describe herself in her relationship with her boyfriend Nick Candy.

Holly Valance and Nick Candy

Holly Valance ‘spoilt rotten’ by billionaire http://news.ninemsn.com.au/entertainment/7952157/holly-valance-spoilt-rotten-by-billionaire-boyfriend.

I wouldn’t call it spoilt to have a wonderful life with a man who loves her and can provide for her?  Surely this doesn’t mean that she is less than she can be r that she is behaving badly or that she is diminishing the life of others.

So I would ask you to think about the words that you use when talking to your child or when describing your child to other people.  The words that you speak as a parent are powerful when your child hears you say them, so make every one of them count for what you do now may effect them later.

“Take a Chill Pill” – its just a harmless saying isn’t it?

Last night we were out in the city having a great time looking at the city lights down on the harbour in Sydney.  The city was really crowded and we had to fight our way through the crowds of happy people.  There were lots of children and parents and strollers and noise and as we turned to walk up the street and small child came running out in front of us, quickly followed by (what we thought was) his mother saying “I think you need to take a chill pill”.

A harmless saying?  I think that words are powerful.  If you tell your child that they are bad then that is most likely what they will think until something changes in their life to change that view of themselves.  Chances are, that they will always remember you saying that they were bad even if they no longer believe it themselves.  We have a lot on our shoulders as parents, I know, but what you say now will affect them later.  Whilst the saying “take a chill pill” is commonly used, if used enough why wouldn’t it give a child the impression that things can be fixed with a pill?  Potentially you can move to a “sleep pill”, or a “happy pill” or a “anti depressive pill” and so on.  I could be accused of being too rigid, and have certainly be told to “chill” myself once or twice in my life - its only a saying after all you might say, but words are powerful.  Think about some of the phrases that someone said to you as a child – did they have an impact on you?  

The real issue for me is not the use of the word “pill” but its connotation and to me it is two-fold. 

1. The potentially damaging connotation that a pill will help you to chill is bad enough as it can set up a dependency on something external to yourself as a quick fix;
2. The connotation that something outside of your child and yourself as a parent is needed to fix the problem, which I think is the most harmful.

For me, this is simple event is an example of when and where personal discipline can be taught to the child – and can be experienced by the parent.  It is an opportunity to instil in them the consequences of those choices and it is an opportunity for the parent to stand firm and follow through.  I know it is not always easy to placate a tired hyped up child, but with some gentle but firm words and actions I believe you can make a better outcome than any threat of a “chill pill” will give you.  A 2-year-old doesn’t know too much of what a pill is likely to do, let alone the reference to a “chill pill” unless some other concrete action is taken prior to the event in order to embed the required learning.  What I mean is; what happens when the parent says “we need to take a Chill Pill”?  Do you also put them in their bed for some quiet time?  Or do you sit them on a mat in the lounge room with some toys whilst you continue to go about your housework?  If so, then the real actions that you have taken are what  have made the difference in that instance.  The words will just get filed away by the child for use at a later date.

As a young parent, the best advice that I got from older parents was to never threaten anything that you would not carry through.  So maybe, “time out” would be a better phrase when you need your child to calm down.  If you are out and you can put your child in a stroller, then move to the quietest spot you can find and cover the stroller a little so to minimise the light of the outside.  Give the child their favourite toy or book and go through your pre bed or calming routine the same as you would when at home.  Tell them it is OK and speak in a soothing sing-song fashion. 

For older children, you need have to be firm.  Ensure that they either sit or stand out-of-the-way of the action as much as possible.  You might have a routine where they count to one hundred or they close their eyes and think of a story until they settle themselves.  What ever it is that you do, do it the same way and what you are doing is teaching your child self discipline and you will give them the ultimate knowledge that they are in control of themselves.  That they are disciplined enough to quiet themselves without needing anything external.  This is a really useful skill for all of us to learn and comes in handy as an adult in stressful situations.

Of course there will be times when no matter what you do – it just doesn’t work.  Don’t worry – this is your opportunity for learning as a parent.  Take a deep breath, look at the beauty that is your child, yourself and your family - shrug your shoulders, give them a kiss and get on with having a good time.

Children can fly – a childs imagination or truth?

Children flying at night

When I was little I believed that (all) children could fly.  This was well before I had heard of Peter Pan – I don’t know why but I just believed that children could fly.  This idea was as natural to me as walking when I was little.  I thought that all children would fly at night when the adults were asleep and it was a sort of secret thing that only I knew about.  I could fly so  it was just a natural assumption on my part that all other children could fly in the same way as me, but I never spoke to any other children about it apart from my little brother and sister.  Thinking back now I don’t ever remember seeing other flying children during my night travels, but so convinced that flying children was a fact that even when I had my own children I assured them that they too had this incredible ability to fly at night when everyone else was sleeping.

When I was a young child and up until I was 12 years old, we lived in the country so most of our neighbours houses were not close to ours and this meant that the night sky’s were very black, only being lit by the moon and the stars.  My bedroom was really nice, at the rear of the house it  had a raked ceiling and on one side of the room, which was the back wall of the house and there were high windows along the ceiling that spanned the entire length of the room.  You couldn’t reach the windows, but every night as I lay in my bed I could see the night sky and I would notice  how clearly the star’s would shine and twinkle through the windows.  They would call me to go flying.  Just like Peter Pan I guess, except sometimes instead of flying by myself, I would take my little brother and sister with me and we would go on a magic flying carpet just like the Arabian movies,  and we would travel far and wide way above in the sky while everyone else was sleeping in their beds at home.

From my bed I would look up and out at the stars and the black sky and soon I would feel myself lift from the bedclothes.  Then I would  just fly out of those high windows and off to adventure.  Even now as an adult with three children, one grandchild and another on the way I still firmly believe that I used to fly at night, and I still believe that all children have the ability to fly at night, but some don’t know about this ability.  Just like in Peter Pan, to ”know” how to fly you must believe you can.  I think that for children to really believe they must have parents that encourage their child to explore what seem just imaginary ideas.  Who really knows what power we actually have?  How do we really know if something is real or imaged?  Might our children be looking at something that is actually real in another time and space - like imagining something that will be in the future?  I also believe that we have just forgotten how to fly.  When I grew into an adult and started to read my own children stories, I discovered that my little sister’s name, “Wendy” came from the book of Peter Pan and I have always thought of her as magical – just to say the name, “Wendy” makes me think of those days flying at night with my brother and sister.

Peter Pan & Wendy

I also think that within us we also have the ability to teleport ourselves from one place to another, much more advanced than flying.  We just don’t know how to do it yet, but I think that we have the ability, we just don’t know it.  Sometimes I wonder if I accidentally fell down a hill, would I remember how to fly just as I did as a child?  Would it all come back to me and then I would just swoop back up into the sky flying?

Some may attribute my childhood belief in flying  to a wish to escape my childhood.  There may be some truth in that idea, but I don’t think so.  I just think that I just believed in special things and that no one was able to deter me in my belief’s.  I was also very lucky to have had a Nan and Grandfather who encouraged me to think outside of the norm.  When we were little, my brother used to believe that his best friend was a talking snake who wore a hat and carried a walking cane.  My parents used to worry that he was playing with a real snake since we lived on a farm and snakes were common.  Either way, he still came flying with me most nights when we were children - sadly I think he has forgotten this simple pleasure and now gets on with the business of being an adult like most of us.

So if your child tells you that they can fly at night then listen to them and marvel at their incredible ability.  Don’t just tell them that they are silly.  Of course you must be sure that they are not going to jump off a building or something high and hurt themselves, so it is best to talk about it first.  I think that the main thing is to embrace the “feeling” that they are expressing – it is fantastic to “feel” that you can fly.  So listen and maybe you might just remember how to fly again yourself….

….Is is it just their imagination or do children actually tap into a reality of the power that is within all of us to “know” these special things?  Maybe we just teach them to grow up and be realistic, and then they just forget those wonderful things that they “knew” when they were children flying at night. 

DISCLAIMER:  I AM NOT AND PLEASE DO NOT ENCOURAGE CHILDREN TO JUMP OFF BUILDINGS IN THE BELIEF THAT THEY CAN FLY THIS IS A TRUE STORY FROM MY CHILDHOOD USED HERE TO DEMONSTRATE THE POWER OF A CHILD’S IMAGINATION.

My starting point – there are no “bad” children!

I always start from a belief that children can only be good so there are no bad children, and in fact I believe that there can not be anyone who is naturally bad.  I believe that we are all created perfect and equal to each other, so to me, this means that a child can never be bad.  Certainly my own children displayed typically “bad” behaviour at times whilst they were growing up, but they are not bad.  Even with this belief, I have found that a child can still grow up believing that somehow they are bad or they are somewhat less than worthy or somehow less of a person than they think they should be.  Maybe they don’t like themselves for something they did at some time and perhaps this stemmed from an experience where an adult responded unpleasantly to something they did which then made the child “feel” as if they were bad?   I have always been so convinced that children cannot be bad,  that I’ve worked persistently throughout my adult life to remove the word “bad” from my language when speaking to my children.  Instead I would say that they were naughty, or that their behaviour was not acceptable, or when they were older, point out the inappropriateness of their actions or attitude while reinforcing with them that they could in fact only be good and that was how I always saw them. Continue reading »